New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
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