that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
