We won't sleep together?
wrigley field is MILF paradise
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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