I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
