Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
