I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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