There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
