Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
