is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
