Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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