I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Randomize