so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Randomize
