remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
