Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
