i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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