I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Bring me that man meat
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
