Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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