thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
