I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
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