I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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