He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
