I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
please don't ironically join a cult
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