I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
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