She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
