Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
