I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize
