i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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