remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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