I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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