I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
