if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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