I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
