Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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