Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
