I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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