sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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