She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Randomize