So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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