How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
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