Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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