god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
