Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
