I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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