Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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