you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
