I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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