I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
she smelled like a LAN party
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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