who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
