My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
