the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
