We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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