how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize