He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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