I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I will be naked everywhere
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
