Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Randomize
