I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
