I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
