38 yer olds are good kisserssss
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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