What did we do last night that was yellow?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
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