Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
