Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
