You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
