I'm jealous of your bromance
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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